The Rip
Gold = show not tell that's in the narrative
WALT use ‘show not tell’ when we write a narrative
How do we do this team?
By describing characters' looks, feelings, thoughts, and actions
By using figurative language well
Dialogue - main characters and others.
There once were two brothers who were not at all alike; they were different in every way. The younger brother stayed on the sand, collecting shells and building sandcastles. The older brother was always in the water. The older brother liked to swim with his friends, diving and tumbling, bombing and snorkeling, swiming and surfing. During the day the older brother liked to go on lots of adventures but the younger brother would stay safe on the sand. Sometimes the older brother would creep up to the younger brother and drag him into the water because he knew that the younger brother despised the water. “Oh come on you little chicken it’s only waves,” teased the older brother. Whenever they were together they fought and argued, all the
One morning their mother grew annoyed with them,“ Like cats and mice! Go play outside, and play together please.” Jack was slouching the whole way to the beach. “Ugh. Why do you have to be here?! You’ll make everything boring,” Jack moaned. “You know what? You're such a wimp! You’re afraid of everything! That's why Mum told us to go outside.” fumed his brother. Soon, Jack went to grab his surfboard and surf with his friends.
A little while later, Jack yelled to James, “James, if you don’t hurry up, you’ll miss this wave!” James scuttled over the sand to the brim of the ocean, he was trembling with fear.“ B-but…What if I drown or get eaten by a shark?” “ Ugh, you’re lame! If you don’t come and swim with us, I’ll pull you in“ teased Jack. pk
James squinted at the ground, then looked at Jack. he looked as if he was getting dragged by a rip. He said his prayers and waited for his brother to come back, but he knew Jack wouldn’t come back even if he was a dolphin when he came into the water. What could he do? So James started to go into the chaos-y waves and even started to swim
Fierce waves started punching James in the gut while floating around. Sharks, whales, demons of the deep - was James gonna survive? His mind longed to turn back, but his heart wouldn't let him survive if he swam back, leaving Jack to drown. Waves pushed and tumbled Jack further from the shore and soon he started to feel sick to his stomach, “Why am I getting caught in a rip while my friends are safe on the shore?” Jack thought to himself and started to swim back to shore - wasting his energy.
James was starting to worry about Jack until he came across a person( with dreadlocks ) on a surfboard, “ AAAAHHHHH!” The dreadlock surfer crashed in front of him( he looked as if he had swallowed two or more whales! ) “dude, what are you doing out here?” “Well, my brother is caught in a rip, can you please help me?” “Okay dude, but you should go back man, it's dangerous out here” but James shook his head, he wasn’t going back till’ his brother came back safe and back onto the shore like the rest of his friends.
Jack saw some chubby guy coming towards him and started waving his arms frantically in the air and wailing. His voice was supposed to shout and ask for help, but he kept swallowing water. He felt his consciousness go away from him as he fainted.
Once Jack woke up, he found himself on the shore, safe and away from the ocean. Jack got up and looked around only to see a guy with dreadlocks. “Who are you? Where’s James?” Jack scoffed “Jack! I knew you’d wake up!” Jack surprisedly looked up to see James running to him with a huge smile on his face.
“Let's go home, together please.” James and Jack chuckled quietly and started racing back: through the dunes, over the little hill, and back to the front door. When they got home, their mother was setting the table, then looked at them, puzzled, “You two are oddly quiet, are you okay?” James smiled at Jack, and Jack smiled back.
